From various sources:
The man code: http://www.liquorwits.com/code.html
The Man Code: http://mistupid.com/people/page024.htm
Top 10 – Man Codes: http://au.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-man-codes.html
Man Code: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=man%20code
Man Code Wiki: http://mancode.wikia.com/wiki/Man_Code_Wiki
The man code (http://www.liquorwits.com/code.html)
This is a collection of rules that every man should live by. It originated in an article written by Maxim, but with some help from the valet boys (Vaida & Dodds) and now the guys at Mifflin, they have become law. The rules are to be followed at all times. They can only be changed by the creators and even that requires a majority vote. So read them, learn them, live them! Also check out our Home page Liquor Wits
1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”
14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“Come on, give me one more, harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men’s gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
54. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty’s. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says “Lick my nuts” as a way to put you down, don’t try to be funny by saying “OK” and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary…
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.
The Man Code (http://mistupid.com/people/page024.htm)
Top 10 – Man Codes (http://au.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-man-codes.html)
There are rules, laws and codes in the universe for very good reason: They give us stability and they give us order. For example, there is the law of gravity, the rule of thumb and the code of silence. These edicts are respected regardless if they’re understood.
While we might like to rebel against the establishment, we secretly enjoy the order of rules. This is true in government, society and in manhood. There are man codes that cannot be broken and if they are forsaken, there are punishments that fit the crime. Regardless of the place, boardroom or bar, these man codes must be obeyed at all times.
Here’s our list of 10 man codes that you can’t escape from, no matter how tempting the fruit may be.
No.1 A man doesn’t sleep with his friend’s ex
This is the rule of all rules. No matter how hot she is or how much you always wanted to tap that, you, as a real man and keeper of the code, will not sleep with your friend’s ex-girlfriend, ex-wife or ex-anything. There’s no time frame until she’s available, this isn’t hunting season. Banging the ex of a buddy is like sticking a knife (or your penis) in his back. Be a man and fight the urge to hook up.
Penalty for breaking this man code: Your friend whose ex you’re doing? He’s now doing a woman close to you also. You call her mum.
No.2 A man has his friends’ back
Fighting, tough times, sniping aliens on the Xbox, whatever it is, the second most important man code is to get your friend’s back. No matter what it is (unless he says: “Hey, hide this from the cops”), you will be there for your buddy. If it’s a couple of fools who need correcting in the bar or if it’s listening to him sob about that skank you knew would leave him, you’re there for your bro.
Penalty for breaking this man code: You get labeled as “that guy” and your friends all avoid you, quickly realising you’re a lame-ass bro.
No.3 A man gets the next round
Much like paying back your debt, a man gets the next round. If a group of guys is out and each is picking up the drinks, dig into your pockets and join in. Hiding in the bathroom when it’s your turn is not only lame, it’s pathetic. If the earlier rounds were foo-foo expensive drinks, just go with a round of domestic beer, you can’t go wrong.
Penalty for breaking this man code: You get called out at the bar because you secretly crave appletini’s over a good light beer. Every girl there will literally hear you grow a vagina.
No.4 A man doesn’t cock block his friend
A foul deed and a rule that goes without saying, a man does not get in the way of his friend getting a piece. Inexcusable and downright evil, cock blocking is the quickest way to end a friendship and to get labeled Supreme Dick (and not in a good way). Don’t tell embarrassing stories, mention ex-girlfriends, start laying your own game, or do anything that will jeopardise a girl from seeing your boy in the best light possible (so he can see her in the dark).
Penalty for breaking this man code: A scarlet letter of your own, a giant red C for “Cockblocker.” And possibly an ass-whooping.
No.5 A man doesn’t screw his friend on the job
In the workplace, man law is the real CEO and sees no glass ceilings. So while it may be tempting to end-run around your friend for a project or a scoop of insight in the office, you don’t do it if it’s at his expense. Job-blocking is just as bad as keeping your homey from scoring with a hottie. Be a friend on the job as much as you’re a friend outside.
Penalty for breaking this man code: All your sexual failures and frustrations end up on the office intranet and in memos to the hot new hires.
No.6 A man becomes a wingman when required
At the end of Top Gun, even Val “Iceman” Kilmer realised that Tom “Maverick” Cruise was the best wingman ever. Now it’s your turn. When you’re at the club or at a party and your friend needs you to take the ugly one so he has a shot at the hottie, you do it. Without question, you fall on the sword and are the wingman. Wingman duties can also extend to driving to the party, handling the valet and running interference from the girl’s man-hating friends.
Penalty for breaking this man code: You get grounded, shot down and denied takeoff. Everywhere you go, for an undetermined time, your male friends make sure you don’t get anywhere near getting laid.
No.7 A man buys his friend beers after he gets dumped/fired
The king’s horses and his men knew this code when Humpty Dumpty fell apart — and you should know it too. When your friend loses his job or his girl, you’re there to ease his pains with alcohol. You get the rounds and you pick up the tab until he feels better or at least thinks he feels better.
Penalty for breaking this man code: Karma’s a bitch. Get ready to find your own sad ass in the unemployment line or spending your Friday night with Rosy Palm.
No.8 A man repays his debts
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” Sure, that sounded good when someone said it centuries ago, but in today’s economy, you may have to swallow your pride and ask for some financial help. Or, maybe you were short on cash or forgot your wallet (yeah right, you cheap ass). If your friend loans you cash or buys the first round, you pay him back. Work to get him his money, pick up lunch next time or get that next round of suds.
Penalty for breaking this man code: Working your debt off as your buddy’s man servant and house boy. And there’s that bachelor party donkey again.
No.9 A man doesn’t say what happened at the bachelor party
Consider it a code of silence or an oath of nondisclosure. Whether it be strippers, midget tossing or stringing a donkey out on ecstasy, a man keeps these things to himself and especially away from the bride-to-be. Whatever happened at the party stays at the party.
Penalty for breaking this man code: That hyper-sexed donkey that’s tweaking in the bathroom is now in your bedroom waiting.
No.10 A man helps his friend move
It could be your buddy moving from his apartment to a house or out of his mum’s basement. Whatever the move, observe the man code that dictates you to help friends move. If you have a hatchback, clean out the trunk and start packing. If you have a truck, it’s not even a question.
Penalty for breaking this man code: Think you’ll be able to ask for help moving when it’s your turn? Yeah right. Better get those furniture sliders and a good belt because your rule-breaking ass is on its own.
Man Code (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=man%20code)
This is a collection of rules that every man should live by. It originated in an article written by Maxim, but with some help from the valet boys (Vaida & Dodds) and now the guys at Mifflin, they have become law. The rules are to be followed at all times. They can be changed but that requires a majority vote.
1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”
14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“Come on, give me one more, harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men’s gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
54. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty’s. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says “Lick my nuts” as a way to put you down, don’t try to be funny by saying “OK” and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary…
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.
dOOd, u didnt leave enough space between us in the bathroom, you didnt follow the man code u gay
Man Code Wiki (http://mancode.wikia.com/wiki/Man_Code_Wiki)
Behavior
If a man isn’t like the average man, then he probably likes the average man.
Contents
[show]
Man Lingo (Mingo)
Forbidden
Men are not allowed to say the following expressions:
You hurt my feelings. (NOTE: This is only acceptable when told to a woman in an attempt to get sex by being the ‘sensitive man’.)
I’m Lost (Can you give me directions?)
Did you see Brokeback Mountain? (NOTE: This is acceptable when mocking somebody)
I’ve had enough beer.
No thanks, I’m vegan.
Where do you see this relationship going?
I’m too tired to gamble.
This (food) is too spicy.
Do I look fat in this?
Cute
A Man should only use the word “cute” when referencing a woMan or as an example of irony. The term “cute” in the Man dictionary reads as follows “Ugly, but socially acceptable”. Generally a rating from 4 – 6. If a girl is termed, cute, it means that after enough beer, you would sleep with her.
Expletives
Swearing when around other Men is acceptable, swearing in the presence of woMen is NOT acceptable unless they are in the Navy or the setting is a professional or collegiate sporting event.
Euphemisms
A Man can swear in a variety of ways; however, Men do not use euphemisms/stupid expletive sound-a-likes. Men do not say heck, they say Hell. Men do not say darn. Men do not say fiddlesticks, Princess. Men (with Men) swear like sailors. Exception: It is allowed for a Man to say Feck instead of Fuck as Feck is an Irish word and Irish Men are the Manliest Men in the world.
Feelings
Men have feelings too. This being said, Men do not “talk about their feelings.” Men have feelings same as Men have nipples. Both are useless. If you whine like Fallout Boy, be prepared to give milk on command.
DIY
Honey-Do List
If a Man waits less than two weeks before fixing something after being asked, he is whipped.
Manly Job
A Man shall only attempt to Mend or make something when there is a less than Manly job to be done, such as feeding baby or washing dishes.
Efficiency
You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
Improvements
A man will not only repair a fault, but will attempt to upgrade the original item that was broken. The greater the improvement, the more of a man he is. For example, repairing your grandmothers electric scooter and building in rocket power and automatic weapons is completely acceptable.
Professional Assistance
A man will NEVER hire a professional trade worker to do work in his own home. Every man is genetically equipped with the ability to perform plumbing, electrical, and general housing repairs at birth. Should a man not be able to fix a set problem, the fault quite obviously rests with the tools he is using, or any female that is watching. Exception, when a man is intentionally being lazy.
Manly Equipment
If it moves and it shouldn’t, use duct-tape on it. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40 on it. This rule applies to any and all objects that need mending or fixing. Exception, Fans. (WD-40 breaks fans)
Crying
Acceptable
It is OK for a Man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss’s car. (these are often tears of laughter)
Actually seeing Chuck Norris execute a roundhouse kick in real life.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
When Arnie is lowered into the metal at the end of T2, a single tear may roll down your face.
When struck in the testicles by an object with considerable force. His friends are also allowed to cry with laughter.
When she is using her teeth.
Blue Balls
While it should be avoided, 1-3 tears are permissible while viewing Brian’s Song, as football (see manliest sport) is involved.
When he has found out that he has impregnated his wife, girlfriend or booty call.
When Renee Zellweger walks on screen. Not for the same reason as rule two.
When a soldier gives his life for his people and country.
Gym Etiquette
Gym Faux Pas
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, Baby, Push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set, and we can hit the showers!”
“I’m not wearing underwear, can you tell?”
“Nice bulge.”
“Your muscles are just soooo big.”
Locker Room Gaze
In locker rooms, men shall practice the unfocused “seeing without looking” gaze, enabling them to see where they are going without actually looking at anyone else. Walking around nude in the locker room is wrong! Wear a towel.
Shower Faux Pas
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man in or near the showers::*”Is there room for one more in here?”:*”I dropped the soap.”
Anything other than a story about Manly conquests.
You must not speak to another man while either of you has their penis exposed (i.e. in the bathroom, while scrubbing your balls in the shower, and while getting dressed – before pants are on)
“Can you reach this spot on my back?”
Cleaning
Men are required to clean organic particulate matter from areas which may come into contact with human skin in the near future, within their own domiciles. A magazine on the coffee table is not life threatening, even if it remains after the apocalypse. Men don’t dust, nor will they clean the kitchen, unless it is a necessary requirement for sex.
Phone
A Man must never talk to another Man on the phone for more than five minutes, unless he is being guided through the bomb defusing process in a hijacked orphanage/office building.
Dancing
Most forms of dancing are unmanly, and any man dancing can be called a princess ONCE. Drunken jigs are acceptable however. (bonus points if you can dance better drunk then sober)
Jobs
All men must aspire to have a manly job, and all men with manly jobs are permitted to look down on those without manly jobs regardless of pay or status. The following jobs are considered manly:
Assassin
Astronaut
Barman
Builder
Chefs (Professional chefs, working at Burger King does not count)
Firefighter
Geologist (see http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Geologist)
Gynacologist (BOO YA)
Hunter
MARINE
Mechanic
Mercenary
Women’s Fitness Instructor (say what you will, this guy’s getting nailed)
Pilot
Policeman
Professional Sportsman
Roadie
Sailor
Secret Agent
Soldier
Video games tester
Any job in the military other than secretaries and nurses
